A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wish I could teleport
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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