Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
