Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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