Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
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