Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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