whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
