My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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