So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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