There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Send help, water and tortillas.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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