Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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