It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize