As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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