Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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