Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I will be naked everywhere
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
