my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Randomize
