I can text with my tongue
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
