you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Randomize
