I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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