My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
