I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
