I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
