i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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