Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
