life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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