: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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