Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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