She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
