He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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