we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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