I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
