On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
