I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
