I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
