Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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