Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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