Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize