I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
