i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Randomize
