There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
