Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
