just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
