mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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