There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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