Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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