So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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