so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
