My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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