It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
