i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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