I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
