As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I believe in your delicious
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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