would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
