I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
