The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
