I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
