Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
