I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I cannot find my penis.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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