I wish I could teleport
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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