genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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