I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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