i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
