I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
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