Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
