so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
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