There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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