Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
