You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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