I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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