Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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